0:07 you know I didn't set out to be a parenting expert in fact I'm not very
0:18 interested in parenting per se it's just that there's a certain style of
0:23 parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids impeding their
0:30 chances to develop into their selves
0:34 there's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way
0:38 I guess what I'm saying is we spend a lot of time being very concerned about
0:42 parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their
0:46 education or their upbringing and rightly so but at the other end of the
0:51 spectrum
0:52 there's a lot of harm going on there as well where parents feel a kid can't be
0:57 successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn
1:02 and hovering over every happening and micromanaging every moment and steering
1:07 their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers when we raise kids
1:14 this way and I'll say we because lord knows and raising my two teenagers I've
1:21 had these tendencies myself our kids end up leading a kind of check listed
1:27 childhood and here's what the check-listed childhood looks like we keep them safe
1:33 and sound and fed and watered and then we want to be sure they go to the right
1:39 schools but not just that they're in the right classes at the right schools that
1:42 they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools but not
1:45 just the grades the scores and not just the grades and scores but the accolades and
1:49 awards and the sports and activities in the leadership we tell our kids don't
1:53 just join a club start a club because colleges want to see that and check the
1:58 box for community service I mean show the college's you care about others
2:04 and all of this is done to some hope for degree of perfection we expect our kids
2:11 to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves
2:16 and so because so much is required we think well then of course we parents
2:21 have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act
2:26 like our kids concierge and personal handler and secretary and then with our
2:34 kids our precious kids we spent so much time nudging cajoling hinting helping
2:40 haggling nagging as the case may be
2:43 to be sure they're not screwing up not closing doors not ruining their future
2:50 some hoped for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost
2:57 every applicant and here's what it feels like to be a kid in this check-listed
3:06 childhood
3:07 first of all there's no time for freeplay there's no room in the
3:11 afternoons because everything has to be enriching we think it's as if every
3:15 piece of homework every quiz every activity is a make-or-break moment for
3:20 this future we have in mind for them and we absolve them of helping out around
3:25 the house and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're
3:31 checking off the items on their checklist and in the check-listed
3:36 childhood we say we just want them to be happy but when they come home from
3:40 school what we asked about all too often first is their homework and their grades
3:47 and they see in our faces that our approval that our love that their very
3:53 worth comes from aid and then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise
4:00 like a trainer at the Westminster dog show
4:04 hoping them to just jump a little higher and sore a little farther day
4:11 after day after day and when they get to high school they don't say well what
4:17 might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity they go to counselors
4:21 and they say what do I need to do to get into the right college and then when the
4:27 grades start to roll in high school and they're getting some B's or god forbid
4:31 some C's they frantically text their friends and say has anyone ever gotten
4:36 into the right college with these grades and our kids regardless of where they
4:43 end up at the end of high school they're breathless they're brittle they're a
4:50 little burned out they're are little old before their time wishing the grown-ups
4:55 in their lives had said what you've done is enough this effort you put forth in
4:59 childhood is enough and they're withering now under high rates of
5:04 anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering will this life ever turn
5:10 out to have been worth it
5:13 well we parents we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it
5:19 we seem to behave it's like we literally think they will have no future if they
5:24 don't get into one of this tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for
5:29 them or maybe maybe we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag
5:36 about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars
5:41 yeah
5:46 yeah
5:49 but if you look at what we've done if you have the courage to really look at
5:56 it you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades
6:01 and scores but that when we live right up inside their precious developing
6:05 minds all the time like our very own version of the movie being John
6:09 Malkovich we send our children the message hey kid I don't think you can
6:15 actually achieve any of this without me
6:18 and so with our over help our overprotection overdirection and
6:23 hand-holding we deprive our kids of the chance to build self efficacy which is a
6:28 really fundamental tenant of the human psyche far more important than that
6:33 self-esteem they get every time we applaud self-efficacy is built when one
6:39 sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes not -- there you go -- not one's
6:50 parent's actions on one's behalf but when one's own actions
6:56 leed to outcome so simply put if our children are to develop self-efficacy
7:00 and they must then they have to do a whole lot more of their thinking planning
7:08 deciding doing hoping coping trial-and-error dreaming and
7:14 experiencing of life for themselves
7:18 now am I saying every kid is hardworking and motivated and doesn't need a parent
7:25 involvement or interest in their lives we should just back off and let go
7:30 hell no
7:31 that is not what I'm saying what I'm saying is when we treat grades and
7:36 scores and accolades and awards as a purpose of childhood all in furtherance
7:41 of some hope for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a
7:45 small number of careers that that's too narrow a definition of success for our
7:50 kids and even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by over
7:56 helping like they get a better grade if we help with do their homework they
8:01 might end up with a longer childhood resume when we help what I'm saying yes
8:07 is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self what I'm
8:12 saying is we should be less concerned with a specific set of colleges they
8:16 might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they
8:22 have the habits the mindset the skill set the willingness to be successful
8:27 wherever they go
8:30 what I'm saying is our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades
8:35 and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a
8:40 foundation for their success built on things like love and chores
8:55 yeah
8:56 did I just say chores did I just say chores I really did but really
9:03 here's why the longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted
9:08 it's called the Harvard grant study it found that professional success in life
9:13 which is what we want for our kids that professional success in life comes from
9:18 having done chores as a kid and the earlier you started the better better
9:22 roll up your sleeves and pitch in mindset a mindset that says there's
9:26 some unpleasant work
9:27 someone's gotta do it might as well be me a mindset that says I will contribute
9:31 my effort to the betterment of the whole that that's what gets you ahead in the
9:36 workplace now we all know this you know this we all know this and yet in the
9:45 check-listed childhood we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around
9:50 the house and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting
9:54 for a checklist but it doesn't exist and more importantly lacking the impulse the
10:00 instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder how
10:05 can I be useful to my colleagues how can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what
10:10 my boss might need a second very important finding from the Harvard grant
10:16 study said that happiness in life comes from love not love of work love of
10:25 humans our spouse our partner our friends our family so childhood needs to teach
10:34 our kids how to love and they can't love others if they don't first love
10:37 themselves and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them
10:41 unconditional love
10:46 right
10:49 and so instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when they come home
10:54 when our precious offspring comes home from school or we come home from work we
10:59 need to close our technology put away our phones and look them in the eye and
11:03 let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the
11:08 first time in a few hours and then we have to say how was your day
11:14 what did you like about today and when your teenage daughter says lunch like
11:20 mine did and I wanted to hear about the math test not lunch you have to still take an
11:26 interest in lunch
11:28 you gotta say what was great about lunch today they need to know they matter to
11:33 us as humans not because of their GPA
11:38 alright so you're thinking chores love that sounds all well and good but give
11:43 me a break the colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and
11:48 awards and I'm gonna tell you sort of the very biggest brand-name schools are
11:56 asking that of our young adults but here's the good news
12:01 contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe
12:11 you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand-name schools to be happy
12:16 and successful in life happy and successful people went to a state school
12:21 went to a small college no one has heard of went to a community college went to
12:25 a college over here and flunked out
12:33 yeah
12:34 the evidence is in this room is in our communities that this is the truth and
12:40 if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges
12:44 maybe remove our own egos from the equation we could accept and embrace
12:49 this truth and then realize it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't
12:55 go to one of those big brand-name schools and more importantly if their
13:00 childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they
13:06 get to college
13:08 whichever one it is well they will have gone there on their own volition fueled by their
13:14 own desire capable and ready to thrive there I have to admit something to you
13:23 I've got two kids I mentioned Sawyer and Avery they're teenagers and once upon a
13:29 time I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees that I was
13:38 going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human
13:44 that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the
13:49 most highly selective colleges but I've come to realize after working with
13:54 thousands of other people's kids and raising two kids of my own
14:02 my kids aren't bonsai trees
14:06 they're wild flowers of an unknown genus and species and it's my job to provide a
14:17 nourishing environment to strengthen them through chores and to love them so
14:22 they can love others and receive love and the college the major the career
14:28 that's up to them
14:30 my job is not to make them become what I would have them become but to support
14:37 them in becoming their glorious selves
14:42 thank you